Ask Rachel: Is it so wrong that my husband and I both have lovers on the side?

Rachel Johnson hears from a woman who’s happily polyamorous

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My husband and I are two professionals in our 40s. We opened up our marriage three years ago after 12 happily married. We have two children. Swinging is not our thing, but we both have “lovers” who are now more like partners. It’s worth adding here that our partners are single and happy with the set-up. I love my partner and my husband. Who is, might I add, very happy with this. “Compersion” is how I describe our relationship.
We have never been happier and we are closer than ever. My question to you is: when you have children you love them all differently; why can’t it be the same in polyamory? 
– Anon
You mention “compersion”, and I admit I had to look it up. According to a google search, it is happiness or satisfaction in seeing a romantic or sexual partner with another person. It helps to visualise compersion, I further read, as the letter H, where the two uprights are connected by a “bridge of love” but stand tall without support. An unhealthy relationship is more like a capital A, where the two Is are leaning on each other for support. I think that is called co-dependence.
Anyway, compersion is the opposite of jealousy – instead of feeling murderous towards your partner for betraying you, the mere act that they are doing something that brings them joy makes you happy as a clam.
I admit I am not entirely sold on the concept of compersion, which seems far-fetched and against human nature to me. The fact that I had never heard of it – as defined as “the very opposite of jealousy in ethical non-monogamy” – is a clue. It’s like green matcha tea, pronouns or fermenting your own kimchi, as far as I’m concerned – a bit of a modern fad. In my book it’s far more human and natural to feel black fury at the idea of your partner being in bed with someone else, not transports of blissed-out delight.
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